Merry Merry Christmas Everyone!

It's December Twenty-Second

To tell the honest truth, (because that is something you want to hear, correct?) I don't know why I'm writing a blog this evening. Then again... I never really know what I'm going to write a blog post about; that is, not until I sit down and start writing.

This evening my family and I watched The Lion King. Disney. Classic. Oh, how I love Disney. Lately I've decided to re-watch all of the Disney classics (you know, the animated ones; I'm not talking Miley Cyrus, or any of that disappointing garbage [sorry, but it's true]) and I've realized they're just as fabulous now as they were when I was five years old. :) The same lovable characters, the same hand twisting situations, the same catchy music that you end up singing for weeks (and I do too, don't you think I don't)... It's all absolutely perfect. Sigh. It's really good to know that there are a few very pure, simple things from my childhood that will never change.

The funny thing? I saw some things (good things, of course) in the movie that I had never noticed as a child. For example, though this is very minor and not at all difficult to see, I noticed at the end of the movie when Nala, Simba, Timon, and Pumba are standing on Pride Rock above all of the animals, Timon has his hands clasped and raised in the air, rooting himself on. Hahahahaha. Sigh... *wipes a tear of laughter from her eyes*

Just a thought. Throughout this winter season I've realized how much I've been placing God in a box. Several times throughout this month Mom has had us read excerpts from books that talk about God in a BIG sense; not boxing him up. For example, when praying, I notice I say things like, "God help me with this, show me that, blah blah blah", instead of recognizing that he is so much bigger than those acts I'm asking him to complete. I know he uses acts such as the ones I'm asking of him, but I've become self-centered in my prayers and my relationship with him. Instead of saying "God you are great, I trust in You with all of my heart, do as you will with me" and then allow him to refine me through whatever way he chooses, I fit him in my little compartmentalized brain where I can fully comprehend him and his works.

Goal: to let God reign over me, not with the works that I desire to occur, but with the mind boggling, fearfully incredible, unexpected acts that He chooses for that specific moment.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white....

In the ____

I lay silently under the Christmas tree. Not a sound can be heard, but the mute twinkle of the lights. It is a night of contemplation. A time to consider all that I have been given.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation." - Psalms 62:1

December Passes Quietly... Or So It Would Seem

It's so easy to be unsatisfied. Erg. One moment you're living life to the fullest and the next you're looking at pictures of other peoples lives and wondering "what am I missing?"

That's a bad thing, Ellie. None of that now.

Honestly though, I feel very lucky--no, blessed--to be right where I am with what I have. Perhaps I should just remind myself of that more often. It would be a good thing to do.

Today one of the first snows of the year came. It was fluffy and pure white and magnificently perfect; if there is indeed such a thing. Due to tradition--with an added twist, thanks to the Emards :)-- we watched White Christmas. Is it just me, or does that movie never ever ever get old? Every time I watch it, my smile gets bigger and my heart finds little details I wrap up and hold inside me. I'm starting to think I have an obsession with loyalty and traditions. Sigh. Oh well... :)Those aren't THE worst things to have an obsession with. Nothing like Twilight. AHH!

That's it. I can't stand it any longer. If I hear one more girl exclaim over how "hot Jacob is" or how "mysterious Edward is" I think I'll blow steam out of my ears and breath fire! Honestly girls, why? The obsession that Bella has with Edward is unhealthy. Did you hear me? UNHEALTHY. Yes, it's okay to like a guy, to think he's mysterious, even on occasion (though I honestly don't think it's the kind of compliment you should be giving someone) to call him hot, but to not be able to live your life without being by him every second of every day? That's unhealthy and obsessive; as I said before. Besides, how many times to you have to read "his skin sparkled and was cold like marble" before you get tired of it? Okay, I confess. I have read the series. And actually, at one point I did like certain aspects of it--yes, I do like adventure and a little romance--but ever since the movies came out my flickering "like" has been doused and replaced by an all-consuming "DISLIKE". I shouldn't even be talking about this. It's not worth it. I'm just mad. Or foolish. Or maybe I'm right to be mad. Heh. Maybe... What I do know, though, is that I can't stand to see a ten year old little girl wearing a Twilight shirt and obsessing night and day over a fictional character(!) and claiming she's "in love". It breaks my heart. First of all, at the age of ten you don't know what real love is--believe me, I'm seventeen and I don't even know. Second of all, it's no wonder little girls think that they're in love if the media is telling them Edward and Bella's relationship is what true love looks like! Bella's obsession over Edward=true love. Little girls obsess over Edward=they think they're in love.

Grr... As you can tell it frustrates me. A lot. But I think I should just cool down and chill out. Being a good influence is all I can do about it right now. Unfortunately I don't have an influence over what the media produces. FORTUNATELY, I do have an influence on my future children's lives and the kids around me now. I just pray I can give sound advice at the time it's needed and not just rant about how much today's media infuriates me. 'Cuz... I do that a lot. Sigh.

Heh. I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas break, you guys.

Remember the reason for Christmas: Jesus' birth; the coming of a great and mighty King; the arrival of our Light and Savior in dark and lost world.

On a positive note Isaiah 9:6 says,

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Goodnight one and all. May God bless you this Christmas and may you see those blessings in full.

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."

-Hebrews 13:5

It's Been A While...

As of today I am finished with finals. Boy am I happy about that, let me tell you... It's been a long--enjoyable--term, and it's ending just at the right time. There's nothing like a good long Christmas break.

Christmas break. That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? There's nothing (and when I say nothing I almost mean it) compared to the Christmas season. Something about all of the lights and cheerful singing, the hot cocoa, sledding, decorating and eating icicles guarantees a nice, big, dorky, Ellie grin. :D Jesus knew what he was doing when he was born in the winter. Haha. That's not to say He wouldn't have known what he was doing if He had been born in the summer...

I'd like to bring up a nice random subject. Mostly because I feel splendidly random at the moment. My head is spinning with little thoughts and quirky ideas that should definitely not find their way out of my head, or they'll wreak havoc like no bodies business. Anyway, meet one of my most loyal friends: Madam Library

Picture this: You step up the solid concrete steps, pull open the door, and are sucked inside by a warm musty air. Inside everything is still and quiet; peaceful. A ceiling stretches with dome-like pride revealing room after room lined with shelves and weighted with thousands of books. Speckled throughout the green carpeted area, are people--they appear short when up next to the rising towers of books. Through the still air you hear a small whisper. At first it seems to be a fluttering of wings. You lean your ear into the sound and look for it's source. And then you remember. The pages are speaking; they're being flipped through, turned, flopped, passed by. A giggle punctures the silence, and though the librarian looks stern at it's source, you give a half smile. How can you not? This place makes you feel warm and secure. Running your hand over title after title you choose a classic. Settling down on a worn couch you begin to read; letting yourself sink into the words; finding your feet not on a rough carpet, but on a stone floor in the middle of a castle, or a wooden plank, wavering over a furious sea.

Wait and See - By Brandon Heath

I was born in Tennessee, late July humidity doctors said I was lucky to be alive
I've Been troubled since the day that I got here, troubled to the day I disappear
That'll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see, he's not finished with me yet, he's not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school. Talked to much, broke the rules
My teachers thought I was a hopeless fool all right.
I don't know how but I made it through, it's one of those things you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth.

There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see, he's not finished with me yet, he's not finished with me yet

Still wonerin' why I'm here. Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... He's up to something,
And the farther out I go, I've seen enough to know that I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'

So here's my time to be a man, follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems, but singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight.

There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see, he's not finished with me yet, he's not finished with me yet
He's not finished with me yet, He's not finished with me yet"

My Cousin. Tanya.

In some way, big or small, Tanya impacted many people individually. She inspired them. For each person there is a different story. Mine could hardly be considered significant compared to the many out there, but in this case, the impact this small memory has had on me could have been the dictionary for all the wisdom and truth it's revealed.

As a cousin 16 years her junior, I hardly ever saw Tanya, much less spent time with her. I may have seen her a time or two when I was a wee little thing, but I could hardly remember such an instance. And so, my first (and strongest) memory of Tanya takes place when I was probably around 5 or so.

There was a service being held for someone, where all of the Brain family attended. I can't be certain for whom it was, or when, but I do know that Tanya and Brian were there.

My first impression of the them, was that Brian was very tall, and Tanya had a very pretty dress on; one where when she walked, it would swish pleasantly back and forth and twirl around her legs.

(Note: As a young girl you remember these things quite well, and take careful notice because they are the things you spend your childhood years paying attention to and mimicking as you grow older.)

To continue, after the service there was a pot-luck, and at one point I sat myself down at a round table with a very large slice of cake and started eating my way through it. I was unaware that Tanya was seated to my left and watching me. I remember very well the moment I looked up and found her startling blue eyes upon me, and a humorous smile playing about her lips. She may have asked me a few questions, none of which I remember very clearly, except that through them I discovered we were cousins, and that I like her very much. I continued to sit by her, even after my cake was finished. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that it was something special to be by Tanya. Maybe it was because of her dazzling dress, that could very well have been part of it. Whatever the case, I knew I didn't want to leave the table.

After a few moments of silence that had settled between the two of us, a lilting music sprung up in the background. I could tell Tanya was listening by the way she tilted her head. I knew she was aware I was watching her.

In a decided, yet graceful motion, she stood up and started dancing along with a few others. Still she stayed near me; swishing her pretty dress. I wanted to get up and dance with her- to twirl and smile with her, but I was too shy.

The next moment she had bent down and I heard her ask, “Do you want to dance with me?” I stared into her eyes for a few moments and nodded my head. Of course I wanted to dance! How did she know?

Taking my hands in her own, she and I twirled and swished and spun and smiled. Life was carefree and simple in that moment. I was happy and I was pretty sure by the smile on her face, that she was happy too. She was having fun just as I was. She was a kid, just like me. I didn't sense that she was preoccupied with other “grown up” hardships or difficulties. I was sure that in that moment, she was just like me: happy to be alive and twirling to the music.

It would be years to come until I found out that even during the time of our dance, Tanya's body had been plagued with cancer. I never would have guessed. She left no clues leading to the anguish her body was in. She had the guts to face the pain with a grin on her face, a pretty dress, and a lighthearted bounce in her step.

Tanya, I can see you in heaven right now... dancing among the clouds, wearing a dazzling white dress and that beautiful smile. How happy you must be, my friend...

Growing Old

It's hard watching people that you love grow old. It's like watching a flower grow and bloom, and then... slowly die. It's heart breaking. You had seen that flower at it's best; when it was beautiful and vivacious.

For some, the withering of a flower means that it is no longer worthy to be looked upon- to be adored.

But I think differently.

The more withered the flower becomes, the more fascinated I am with the character it develops. When a flower blooms, often you wouldn't be able to distinguish between it and the one next to it. But when flowers start to crumple and twist as they grow old, each takes on it's own shape; it's own unique traits. Though that seems like a weird analogy (and I agree, it is), I feel it's the same with humans. Granted they are beautiful when they are young, definitely gaze worthy, but even as they age, somehow they become more than just a human; they become a soul; an expression of the life they have led.

And I find that beautiful.

Lemonade

Have you ever met anyone who doesn't like a nice cold lemonade on a hot summer day? No. For sure not. Everyone likes lemonade. It's a fact: Lemonade is all American, all accepted, and loved by all.
There are very few things in today's society that are accepted and loved by everyone, but lemonade managed to sneak it's way into the select few.
Congrats to the person who first introduced it.
I salute you.

Sleep, why must you escape me?

Yet again, I cannot sleep. Every time I turn over to get into a comfortable position, I start to think about something and then I wake up from my thoughts to shift to another position. And therein lies the problem: I promptly move onto another subject, and it all repeats itself over again.

The source of my problem- the true source- is my talent for worrying.

I worry about school. I worry about people. I worry about what tomorrow will bring. I worry about this, and I worry about that. I worry till my brain is tied up in worried little knots that I fall asleep on. And in the morning, I feel as though I hadn't slept a wink because of the state my poor little head was in.

Isn't that just wonderful? I know. The things I put myself through!

Whether in word or deed

I've just arrived from home after spending some time up in Washington for the Creation Fest.

And, I'm frustrated.

The reason for this frustration? Actually, a band. Family Force 5.

I went to Creation Fest with the encouraging thought that it would be a great time for me to really dig down and focus on God. To leave the world behind for a bit. To purify my mind, so I could 'come back' into the world with a little more perspective.

Whatever made me think that? I. Don't. Know.

There were a couple of bands there (namely, David Crowder, Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns) who took on a spirit of humility and tossed the limelight off themselves and onto The One I was there to immerse myself in: Jesus Christ. Other bands, though they didn't necessarily slide God's name in songs, the spirit of the song was pure and didn't drag you down. But then, there were still others. Those who seemed to have forgotten that professing to be a Christian actually means something. (Just to clarify: NO I do not think that if you're going to be a good example of a Christian you ALWAYS have to be talking, thinking, praying to, writing, or singing about God, BUT the person that you are, and the attitude that you take on has to be one that is exemplary- one like His.)

At one point in their concert, Family Force 5 sang a song. Duh. But this song was a bit different than the ones you might think to hear at a Christian concert. (That is, if you listen to the words and judge the song by the content and not the beat.) The song encouraged girls to "shake it". A ring was formed in the mash pit area, and the lead singer encouraged girls to go dance; jive it up; shake it! Being the short person that I am, I couldn't see them and I don't have a clue if that 'shake it' was pure and innocent, or otherwise. I'm going to guess the latter.

Great. Just great. There's nothing better than coming to a Christian festival to re-amp your enthusiasm for all things good and Christ-like, and discover that, heck! Christian bands don't care if they look the same, act the same, promote the same as secular bands. I guess if you claim to be Christian, say "God bless you" at the end, and play at a Christian festival you can sing a song telling girls to 'shake it' and it's okay.

Uhm. No. I DON'T THINK SO.

You've got to be kidding me!

Is it not enough that girls' bodies are objectified in the media that surrounds them everyday? Do you have to throw it in their faces there too? And I'm not just talking about girls, I'm talking about boys too. They're trying to get away from all of the images of women. Is it too much to ask to let those who are trying to get away from it all and escape that aspect of the world, focus on celebrating God?

Seriously??

If you are going to claim to be a part of our family- to be a Christian, a light to the unsaved and lost- than brother, YOU HAD BETTER ACT LIKE ONE. That means,

"Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (Colossians 3:17)

When I was little I loved everyone. I thought everyone was perfect.

I curse the day I learned otherwise.

This Forth of July

I spent this forth of July a lot differently than I usually do.

Usually the forth of July contains: many impressive fire works, good food, family and friends surrounding me, swimming, lots of watermelon and a late night.

Whereas this forth... Well, let's just say instead of all the above, my forth of July consisted of: trying to put a sobbing baby down to sleep, eating a very "different" (a nice word for: disgusting) salad, smelling expensive cigar smoke, watching "The Wonder Pets" and playing in the sand with three six year olds, one five year old and 1 year old baby.

Although, even though that sounds like a horrifyingly stark difference, I chose it. Of course, I had no idea what it was going to be like, but I did decide to give up the celebration with my family. And so, in doing so and realizing I must take the responsiblity for my choices, I've decided to view today in a positive light.

I decided a while ago that I was going to be a nanny for a little boy the age of 1, for the weekend of July forth.

Just a 411, when I first arrived on Thursday and met Charlie and his son Matiez (said: ma-tee-es), and Charlie's father, Dick, I was intimidated. These people were rich. They had traveled to the ranch in suits, for goodness sakes! For some reason, even though I was far from informidable, I couldn't manage to make myself relax and do my job- watching over the little tike- with the same joy and care that I usually have.

Partly this uncomfort came from the fact that I think Charlie was a bit uncomfortable. He usually has a nanny, yet he wanted to spend time with his little boy. Even through the care he provided for him, and the kisses on the forehead he bestowed, I felt a hesitancy. For some reason I felt superior in matters pertaining to Matiez, yet I didn't want to take over and boss the dad around, or steal the child away from him when they were spending time together. Often I would find myself to the side watching Charlie and Matiez play together. I've got to say, that was insanely awkward.

It was much better when he would bring Matiez up to the Koons house and then I would just babysit him there.

Anyway, after the first day I was feeling so much less educated than the family, (because they were rich and talked like it), so I did the only thing I knew could help me: I prayed. Fervently, actually. I was pretty mad and frustrated with myself. It seemed I couldn't manage to be the retarded Ellie I usually am. I had to be the Ellie who talks like she knows something. The Ellie who acts five years older than she really is. The Ellie who blah blah blah blah! UHG!! No.

So I prayed. I asked God to give me peace in who I was. I asked him to help me find the words. But most of all, I asked him to give me extra love, so that I could pour it over Matiez, and look over that family in a different light.

God is crazy good when it comes to answering prayers. The next few days went well. I relaxed.

In a few days, I've found I truly love little Matiez. I don't want him to go back home. I want to take him home with me. He's got such a mellow little personality. A little optimist in the making. Always a smile. Always up for something to eat, he's not picky about what it is, either. A little light in a dark world. I only hope that while I was here I contributed something to his ever growing nature. That someday when I look down on the world after my death, I'll see little Matiez saying "please" and "thank you" with persistance.

I'm going to miss him.

Thank you, God, for giving me the opportunity to love yet another of your beautiful little creations.

Goodnight

I Fear

You know when you get that feeling? The rumbling inside your soul; the ache in your heart? The knowledge that something... something's just not right. I have that. It's holding my eyelids from dropping off into slumber. It's keeping peace at a distance.

Why do people choose to do bad things? Why must they? How can such a good girl get involved with such a jerk of a guy? WHY?! Why would she? Doesn't she know she deserves better then him? How could she not see that he is sucking the very life out of her? I know she can feel it. Why can't she get out? Move on. Leave. I'm so afraid he's going to hurt her. But maybe she is too. Maybe that's why she can't leave. She's stuck. He won't let her go. At one time she felt loved. Now, she's trapped. Trapped in a net he's thrown before her. HOW COULD HE?!! What possessed him to do that?! Is it possible someone could be so... so heartless?

It makes me sick to think of girls thinking they are going to find love in a relationship, and then getting stuck, abused, sucked dry of all that they were. Told they are worth nothing without that guy. That guy defines her. Disgusting. It makes me want to punch a wall. Throw water over her face- wake her up! Beat the tar out of him.

What gives him the right? Nothing. HE HAS NO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you hurt her... I swear! I will do something about it. You do not own her. She is not yours to hurt. Don't treat her like this... Oh please don't....

Please....

Leave her be.

Let her be.

We're Living It

I've completed my last day of school. Turned everything in. Got checked off. Can't believe it. It feels like I'll just have to go back after a nice two day weekend. Funny.

What a year this has been. I've learned so much about myself. I didn't realize that until just now. I'll say, the beginning of this year was absolute hell for me. I hated it. Everything about it. School. My lack of a relationship with God. The time I no longer had. Wasted words on people who wouldn't listen. But it got better. As time went on, I started to see people in a different light. I opened up. I committed to friendships. I learned to enjoy my life at school.

Knowing what I know now, I've come to understand that life isn't bearable, or worth living, for that matter, if you don't have friends around you. Sharing it with you. All of it. The ups. The downs. The sideways and upside down. Someone to keep you on board. To make sure you don't fall off the side.

There were a few things that took me all year to figure out... To be a good person you don't have to be a people pleaser. To be liked, you don't have to be in the spotlight. To love others, you must take into account that they are human, and therefore, not perfect.

This summer will be good.

I'm Almost To the End

Only nine days left until school gets over... I think I'm going to be happy when it's done. But I'm still not sure how my summer is going to look. I think sometime during the summer I'm going up to Portland for a couple of weeks to stay with my siblings. Then I'll go to Fir Point Bible camp, but I'm not sure if I'll cabin lead during one week, or not. Hm... Then there's working. I think I probably should, but what would I do and how often would I want to work, and could I work if I had a sporadic schedule like that? I dunno. I feel like this'll be one of the last summers I can just sit back, relax and not have to work. Although, it's really nice to have money, and I'm getting low on that.

I still need to take my SAT's. Ugh. I really really really really don't want to though. It sounds absolutely miserable. 5 hours... Sheesh....

I should get ready to leave. 9 days. Just nine. Whoop!

Say What You Need To Say

You know... I was thinking. A dangerous past time (I know!) Haha. But really, I was reading my older posts to mom and telling her how awful painful they were, and she told me if I don't write everything out then I won't catch the good stuff amidst the bad. She's right. Most of the time anything I write is absolute waste, but there are a few sentences in my career of writing that actually hold some wisdom and worth. There are VERY FEW, mind you, but they exist. I suppose that's how every writer gets better; write it all out and take the best of it. It's the only way to go.

What the Heck, I'm Overwhelmed

I feel really overwhelmed right now. There are so many things I'm going to have to accomplish, so many people I want to reach out to and get involved in their lives, so many dreams I want to set out to do, and still there are other goals for myself that I'd love to accomplish. Now, I suppose I might be able to deal with this a little better if it was summer, or something and I didn't have anything going. As it is, I have to get up at six every morning, go to school, then after school go to track, after which I go to play practice, then to home to finish up homework, eat and go to bed. No extra time. None. The weekends even feel hectic. Usually the teachers give you some form of homework (I don't know why, I wish they would just teach us in the class and forget the homework) and then there's church, visiting family, etc. It gets hectic. Really hectic.

I've been exhausting myself mentally and physically every day of my week trying to reach out to those people who need it most, and also doing everything else. Not to mention, I've been trying to set aside a time every day to read my bible. That's proved hugely unsuccessful. I feel like an absolute failure, and I just can't manage everything at once and that's what I feel like I'm trying to do. Ugh.

Alright, I'm signing off. Maybe I should bann myself from the computer (unless I have to do school on it) and use that extra time to do other stuff. Hm... That could be good.

- EMB

Oh the Life of a Busy Bee!

Lately I haven't had time to sit down, gather my thoughts and record them. That's made things difficult.

WARNING

Please do NOT look at any older posts. I'm dead serious about this. Those things are majorly embarrassing! Holy cow.

The Plan

It is now the new year. Yes, the new year. 365 days in 2008. Now I have approximately the same amount this year: 2009. That is, if I don't die first. Heh. Which is a rather unlikely, but not impossible event. Every year I always try to do something especially exciting or different to welcome the new year. But this year... Well, I guess I just didn't really have anything planned. I sang the “Auld Lang Syne” song and watched my Grandpa and Grandma's tree burn in a explosion of flame (exciting, but not new). The same thing I've done the last sixteen years of my life. Each year the same, no less exciting, always a bit surreal, but still very present.
The present:.... Hmm. There's this quote in Kung Fu Panda, it goes like this, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” The present is such an interesting topic; perhaps because you're tired of talking about the past, cannot know the future, and so you must dwell on the present; it's the only thing to think upon. This could be part of my “plan”, dwelling in the present...
I'll admit, freely, that I am a dreamer. I am constantly thinking about the future and what it will hold for me. I love to think of me and my husband and my cute little boy with curly blond hair and bright blue eyes! Yes! The future! What will it bring? No one knows for sure, but we can only guess and dream about it's surprises. I dream a lot. And not only about the real, but also the surreal. I like to think I'm part of a greater scheme. Something that goes beyond my: travel around the world, meet prince charming, marry prince charming, have little baby prince charming's and princesses, and live life with vitality and happiness. I like to think that my God out there is planning something big. Something really big. And I get to be the main character in that show. I get to be the star. That's my dream. And you know what? I think that dream has a very good probability of actually happening. It's formulating, day by day, dream by dream, step by step. Slowly. Surely. I am working towards something greater than that that I've ever planned, or dreamed for that matter. All a part of a greater plan. A greater plan. God's Great Plan. Which is, hopefully, My Great Plan. Because I want my plans to be in accordance with God's. Psh. I laugh. You should too. I just started talking about my “plans”. Hah! Like whatever I plan is really going to make it in the long haul. That's a joke. You laugh.
Plans. Another quote to refer to, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” Ach! But it's too true isn't it? We, little ants on a round green and blue ball, scurry around and concoct outrageous dreams that turn into “plans” that we “plan” to accomplish. The funny thing is: most of us never make our beds in the morning, much less accomplish our life plans! Although, that is not to say that we shouldn't try to make something of our lives. Plan them, that is. In fact, I'm definitely one for making something of life. Creating goals. I think without goals people are lost. There's this confused compass inside all humans that searches for direction, but cannot go about walking without some form of a plan, some definite direction: go west, go south. Those who don't make plans sit on their bums fighting work they deem “unnecessary”. Part of a plan's job is to motivate.
Many a noval would lay unfinished, unpublished, and unknown if not for some kind of motivation motivating the author. It seems that the motivation often comes from having a plan; a purpose. Then of course you must have someone that believes in your plan. Otherwise it's all useless. Because as much as we'd like to pretend we don't care what everyone thinks, the truth is, we do; excessively. Without attention our unique skills are completely wasted. Without someone else to appreciate your work, it's pointless. Sure you can enjoy it to some extent on your own, but if you can't reveal it with a kindred spirit, you're work has no meaning. It's like when you have something amazing happen to you and you need to tell somebody. Even though it's especially dear to your heart and nobody else is going to appreciate it quite as much as you, you still need to get some type of conformation that, indeed, it is absolutely splendid and thrilling, and congratulations! Nobody wants to be alone when celebrating something great! We humans weren't created to thrive on our thoughts alone. Thank goodness.
Back to the plan. I've thought about creating a year plan. Sort of a guide to what I want to achieve this 2009. I know I probably won't live up to my plan's original standard, but at least there was some format (in the beginning) to the time spent in my year. I suppose the more structured, the more I can enjoy the freedom within those set walls. Wow. I'm starting to sound like a fanatic, huh?
The thing is, I'm a lover of life! That sounds rather vague, doesn't it? Well let me explain. I mean a lover of life in smaller terms than you're picturing. The type of life I'm talking about is the little stuff. The moments where all cares are out of sight, and all that I can see is endless opportunity. I mean those moments when you look at a little baby, the perfect “O” it's little lips shape, the little round eyes that shine with innocence, and the little button nose... I mean the moment when you know, and I mean really know, that He loves you; with everything He has, everything He had, and everything He ever will have. I mean the moment when you catch your brother and sisters eye when you're laughing so hard you can't breath, and your heart sky rockets with happiness until you could touch the stars. I mean the moment when you look up into that perfect someone's eyes, and you understand what the word “love” really means. I mean the moment when you look outside into a silent night muffled by mountains of white snow. I mean the moment when your basketball team works hard all year and the last game of the season you all kneel down, pray and thank God. I mean the moment when the sky breathes it's light out over a field of topaz grasses swaying west to east. I mean those moments. Those are the ones that count. It's those moments that I live for. They create what I like to call: my life.
Dwell in the present, dream to your hearts content, make plans (don't expect to keep them), and love life.

Happy New Year! Live it like you mean it. I know I will.

Always,
Ellie