Journal Prompts

Each time I post on here now, I'm going to choose a journal prompt from this list, and write on it. The first prompt written on (24) is crossed out below. I'm choosing a number at random to make sure I am somewhat surprised by the question and by my own answer.

1. If you had a magic wand, and could wave away your problems, what would your life look like? What’s stopping you from being the wand?
2. What are you best at, and what do you love doing most, and how could you spend more time doing both?
3. If you were unapologetically and truly yourself, day in and day out, and if you fully accepted and loved yourself, what would change for you moving forward?
4. What makes your heart sing loudest? What makes your heart beat strongest?
5. What do you believe that no longer serves you? What do you believe that might be holding you back?
6. What does love mean to you?
7. How do you define success, and how will you know when you have it?
8. Where do you see yourself in 3 months, 6 months, and 12 months? Be specific.
9. What are the ten smallest, most minor, most insignificant things in your life that you are grateful for?
10. What have been the five best days of your life, and why?
11. How would your life be different if you stopped living so much in the past and/or worrying so much about the future?
12. What scares you the most, and why? How can you use that fear to improve or learn or grow?
13. What would you tell your five-year-old self?
14. What are three things that you are really looking forward to the most?
15. Who do you need to forgive, and why, and what’s stopping you from doing it today?
16. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and what’s stopping you from taking action?
17. How would your life change if you were your own biggest fan and truly believed in yourself?
18. What is the best advice you have ever been given?
19. How do you deal with helplessness, with letting go, with release and surrender of expectations?
20. What do you love most about yourself?
21. Who do you admire most in this world, and why?
22. What are five things you absolutely, positively, totally want to do before you die, and how can you do one of them THIS YEAR?
23. Who do you care about most in the world, and what could you do today to make sure they know it?
24. What would you truly lose, deep down, if you lost what you are most scared of losing?
25. What are five things that you love most in the world?
26. What about your life makes you the most proud?
27. When did you hurt most, and how has it helped you or taught you or improved you?
28. What does it mean to be good enough, and how do you know that you are?
29. What did you really love doing as a kid but don’t really do anymore? What is stopping you from doing it now, and what would happen if you did?
30. If you could, what is the one thing you would change about your past?
31. What makes you feel happy to be alive, and how can you make more of that every day?
32. What truth have you been refusing to admit to yourself and how could you face it?
33. What three things could you give up that would give you more time, energy, and peace?
34. What does your ideal day look like? Be specific.
35. What does heroic mean to you, and who are your biggest heroes?
36. What advice would you give yourself five years ago?
37. What do you love most about your life?
38. If you found out that you were going to die tomorrow, what would be your three biggest regrets?
39. What are you the most scared of losing, and what would you truly lose if you lost it?
40. What one event in your life has changed you the most?
41. If you could be president for one day, what would you do, and why?
42. Assuming your life is a story and you are the author, what does your happy ending look like?
43. When are you at your best, and how do you get back there when you feel unbalanced or unwell?
44. How can you improve the way you treat yourself and talk to yourself?
45. When was the last time you cried, and what did it teach you?
46. What is your personal mantra for this year? What one word best describes your best life moving forward?
47. If you could invite five people, living or dead, to dinner at your house one night, who would you choose, and what would you cook them?
48. What are the five most important things in your life right now and how are you prioritizing them (or not)?
49. What makes you the most angry, the most frustrated, the most annoyed, and why?
50. What is something you have never done, but always wanted to do, and what is so important about this for you? 

Journal prompt #24: What would you truly lose, deep down, if you lost what you are most scared of losing?

#24: What would you truly lose, deep down, if you lost what you are most scared of losing?

This journal prompt gives way to the question: what is it you're most sacred of losing? So I need to explore that more deeply.

The obvious answer to what I'm most afraid of losing right now is: Sean. I'm most afraid of losing Sean. Even thought I technically already broke up with him and lost him consequently. Of losing a person who could be it for me. Someone who works on himself, who loves me deeply, who has shown that he changes, who is gentle and kind and compassionate, who works hard, loves animals, wants a lifestyle (outdoors, comfortable, creative), who wants kids and family and traditions, who loves to write and thinks deeply and believes similar things about technology not ruling his life, and who loves my family too.

So, with that first answer...

What would you truly lose, deep down, if you lost what you are most scared of losing?

I would lose the first man I ever loved, who ever loved me and who I ever gave myself so vulnerably to. I would lose the dream of marrying the first man I was with. I would lose the dream of soul mates, like we thought we were. Maybe, ultimately, I would lose the confidence that someone could love me in spite of all of my flaws; in spite of the fact that I am imperfect and I hurt him, and I wasn't always a nice person. I would lose the love of someone who loved me so unconditionally I began to crave the unconditional love because I didn't give it to myself. It became a fix that I craved, to have Sean reassure me and tell me he loved me no matter what, because he was saying what I craved to hear from myself. 

What I would really lose is affirmation--constant affirmation; of my beauty, my talents, my goodness, my desirability. And, again, because I don't give it to myself easily or often, it would feel like I was losing the wave of love that I had come to depend on to feel whole and stable.

I would really lose, ultimately, the confirmation that someone could and would come in and "save" me and fill a "void".

I never used to think I actually believed that shit. But I think I did and maybe do--given that it takes a while to work through something like that.

These are what I think I would truly lose, deep down, if I lost what I am most scared of losing.

Alabama Hills

Frosty walks with my love and a brown-eye-blue-eyed pup

Missed Alarm

Today was supposed to be my second day of subbing, but I missed my alarm. I'm bummed about it, but also not freaking out. It's nice to have time off, sleep in, etc.

I'm deciding not to feel guilty about it, but to just move forward and schedule one for tomorrow.

Maybe I should get my planner out and put a few things in there.

I really need to start working again and getting things into gear.

Bella is barking like crazy. Not sure why.

Dream -- Sunday, December 30th, 2017 -- Last Day of the Year

Last night I dreamt I went on a choir trip, but forgot my passport, forgot my pants, shirts, shoes, and choir dress. I was so stressed and knew I had to tell my choir director, but somehow when it was finally the time, one of my friends (who I know in real life and was in choir with me), handed me the phone to talk with him, but it was instead a guy in the choir (one of the leaders of the bass/tenor section) and he wasn't helpful at all.

The entire dream I just remember being stressed and worrying about the fact that I hadn't brought the right things.

And on top of that in I realized that I didn't have very much money to buy new things.

I think my dad suggested that I just leave, but that didn't seem like a great option since I would have to pay for a plane flight back and I didn't have money.

Post-Christmas Aftermath

This Christmas was the first Christmas in a long time that I can remember where I feel like a semi-truck bulled me over and I'm in the ICU for the long-haul (haha -- jokes).

I dunno what the special combination of things was, but man-oh-man, it was a doozy. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am a people pleaser and I absolutely don't know how to not let people have their tussles and for it to be okay that things aren't okay. And maybe it has to do with the fact that when you bring a partner into your family, you are so aware of how comfortable that person is (or is not), and if people are getting along and enjoying them.

All of that to say -- even though this Christmas was a little overwhelming, the day after Christmas was actually the perfect antidote to being in my head.

The whole day I spent with myself.

I read. I took a long bath. And I went outside into the frosted, misty, winter-y woods and took photos and galavanted around barefoot and breathed fresh oxygen into my legs, and lungs, and soul.

It felt like breathing all the way in and exhaling all the way out -- and I haven't felt that in a while.

I think I need to set aside more alone time. I forget how valuable and important that is for me sometimes.