Journal prompt #24: What would you truly lose, deep down, if you lost what you are most scared of losing?

#24: What would you truly lose, deep down, if you lost what you are most scared of losing?

This journal prompt gives way to the question: what is it you're most sacred of losing? So I need to explore that more deeply.

The obvious answer to what I'm most afraid of losing right now is: Sean. I'm most afraid of losing Sean. Even thought I technically already broke up with him and lost him consequently. Of losing a person who could be it for me. Someone who works on himself, who loves me deeply, who has shown that he changes, who is gentle and kind and compassionate, who works hard, loves animals, wants a lifestyle (outdoors, comfortable, creative), who wants kids and family and traditions, who loves to write and thinks deeply and believes similar things about technology not ruling his life, and who loves my family too.

So, with that first answer...

What would you truly lose, deep down, if you lost what you are most scared of losing?

I would lose the first man I ever loved, who ever loved me and who I ever gave myself so vulnerably to. I would lose the dream of marrying the first man I was with. I would lose the dream of soul mates, like we thought we were. Maybe, ultimately, I would lose the confidence that someone could love me in spite of all of my flaws; in spite of the fact that I am imperfect and I hurt him, and I wasn't always a nice person. I would lose the love of someone who loved me so unconditionally I began to crave the unconditional love because I didn't give it to myself. It became a fix that I craved, to have Sean reassure me and tell me he loved me no matter what, because he was saying what I craved to hear from myself. 

What I would really lose is affirmation--constant affirmation; of my beauty, my talents, my goodness, my desirability. And, again, because I don't give it to myself easily or often, it would feel like I was losing the wave of love that I had come to depend on to feel whole and stable.

I would really lose, ultimately, the confirmation that someone could and would come in and "save" me and fill a "void".

I never used to think I actually believed that shit. But I think I did and maybe do--given that it takes a while to work through something like that.

These are what I think I would truly lose, deep down, if I lost what I am most scared of losing.