This Forth of July

I spent this forth of July a lot differently than I usually do.

Usually the forth of July contains: many impressive fire works, good food, family and friends surrounding me, swimming, lots of watermelon and a late night.

Whereas this forth... Well, let's just say instead of all the above, my forth of July consisted of: trying to put a sobbing baby down to sleep, eating a very "different" (a nice word for: disgusting) salad, smelling expensive cigar smoke, watching "The Wonder Pets" and playing in the sand with three six year olds, one five year old and 1 year old baby.

Although, even though that sounds like a horrifyingly stark difference, I chose it. Of course, I had no idea what it was going to be like, but I did decide to give up the celebration with my family. And so, in doing so and realizing I must take the responsiblity for my choices, I've decided to view today in a positive light.

I decided a while ago that I was going to be a nanny for a little boy the age of 1, for the weekend of July forth.

Just a 411, when I first arrived on Thursday and met Charlie and his son Matiez (said: ma-tee-es), and Charlie's father, Dick, I was intimidated. These people were rich. They had traveled to the ranch in suits, for goodness sakes! For some reason, even though I was far from informidable, I couldn't manage to make myself relax and do my job- watching over the little tike- with the same joy and care that I usually have.

Partly this uncomfort came from the fact that I think Charlie was a bit uncomfortable. He usually has a nanny, yet he wanted to spend time with his little boy. Even through the care he provided for him, and the kisses on the forehead he bestowed, I felt a hesitancy. For some reason I felt superior in matters pertaining to Matiez, yet I didn't want to take over and boss the dad around, or steal the child away from him when they were spending time together. Often I would find myself to the side watching Charlie and Matiez play together. I've got to say, that was insanely awkward.

It was much better when he would bring Matiez up to the Koons house and then I would just babysit him there.

Anyway, after the first day I was feeling so much less educated than the family, (because they were rich and talked like it), so I did the only thing I knew could help me: I prayed. Fervently, actually. I was pretty mad and frustrated with myself. It seemed I couldn't manage to be the retarded Ellie I usually am. I had to be the Ellie who talks like she knows something. The Ellie who acts five years older than she really is. The Ellie who blah blah blah blah! UHG!! No.

So I prayed. I asked God to give me peace in who I was. I asked him to help me find the words. But most of all, I asked him to give me extra love, so that I could pour it over Matiez, and look over that family in a different light.

God is crazy good when it comes to answering prayers. The next few days went well. I relaxed.

In a few days, I've found I truly love little Matiez. I don't want him to go back home. I want to take him home with me. He's got such a mellow little personality. A little optimist in the making. Always a smile. Always up for something to eat, he's not picky about what it is, either. A little light in a dark world. I only hope that while I was here I contributed something to his ever growing nature. That someday when I look down on the world after my death, I'll see little Matiez saying "please" and "thank you" with persistance.

I'm going to miss him.

Thank you, God, for giving me the opportunity to love yet another of your beautiful little creations.

Goodnight