Dear Ellie,

Trust yourself.

Trust that you aren't trying to escape. That you aren't procrastinating. That you haven't "lost vision".

This time to take care of yourself -- rest, re-set, allow your mind and body to just "be" -- isn't you being lazy or backing out.

Rest is a necessary part of life, and you haven't had much of it the last year or so.

Don't let others words and thoughts and expectations fill you with guilt and shame about where you are.

Stay true to yourself. As Brene Brown says -- don't be afraid to explore and wander into the Wilderness alone.

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Take another deep breath.

Forgive.

Smile.

You are your response to events, words, circumstances -- not others' projections of you. Stick it out.

Move forward with confidence, peace, and excitement for the future.

You are a badass.

You have a mother f-ing supreme work ethic.

You have more vision and purpose than anyone could dream residing in your Ellie-being.

Trust that -- again. Trust yourself. Trust the path God has led you down. Open your heart, don't close down. Allow for that vulnerability. Allow for the light.

Now move, girl, move like the wind, on and away from this thought, this feeling, this moment.

The halfway line

At the halfway line for my internship. Which means that I still have another 3 months (ish) to go before I complete it. After that, it's the board certification exam. And then I have absolutely no fucking idea.

What has happened to me over the years? Where has my happiness gone? My optimism? My childlike curiosity?

It feels like the combination of growing up, mixed with money, mixed with life, mixed with I don't know what just what has made me into a freaking cynical bastard.

I don't want to be that. I want to enjoy the world around me. I want to be in awe of beautiful things. I want to laugh and smile and giggle and have such a ball that my stomach aches from the laughter and the smiling and the giggling and the ball of it all.

I say "I want" a lot these days. More than I think I did when I was a kid. Which is ironic considering I need less than I did as a kid. I required more from the world as a kid. Now I ask for more, even though I'm actually quite equipped to just, I dunno. Make life for myself. Live on my own. Do stuff.

Within the last year it seems that I have felt this funneling, this requirement to go one direction, to make life happen in a certain way. And it scares me. Scares the shit out of me. Because what happens if it goes the wrong way? What happens if after all the funneling I get out on the other side of the tunnel that leads one way and find out I took the wrong tunnel?

IS there a wrong tunnel?

Is that just a stupid idea -- that we're "supposed" to do something in particular; make some sort of impact, be some sort of special, contribute some sort of gift?

I dunno man. It's a freaking lot of pressure.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Soft focus, round contentment

Sometimes I feel so incredibly settled. As if the world had been in a shadow and flipped around to face the sun; and I could feel it on my skin, and my lips, and the tops of my feet. The contentment rising up in me. When all is beautiful, all people are beautiful.

The world feels round then - and whole. No sharp edges or places to fall off. Just a round softness - spinning, spinning, carefully holding little souls to her surface; nurturing them, blessing them, allowing her winds to stroke their swirling locks of hair.

If only the world always felt round. If only the sun always seemed to kiss heads and hum with happiness. If only I could stay right there, stand right there, be right there, reside right there.

A quote from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel speaking of the initial culture shock and sensory overload of India:

"Initially you're overwhelmed. But gradually you realize it's like a wave. Resist, and you'll be knocked over. Dive into it, and you'll swim out the other side"

I believe this must be applicable to anything that scares us; culture, change, love, new experiences... Resist, and you will be knocked over.

Dive into it, and you'll swim out the other side.

Talking Long

I have this friend, a girl, who I can talk with for long, long, long amounts of time and I don't feel exhausted or like looking for a way to duck out of the conversation. Literal hours can go by and I won't have thought once, "gosh, I just want to escape this conversation. PLEASE get me OUT of this." And that doesn't happen often. Conversation with people can be so hugely draining. With some people you smile too much, search too hard for topics, ask too many questions, don't know when to pause or when to speak, how much to tell, or when to stop. And then with people like my friend, I never have to think about what we're going to speak of next, or how to phrase my question, or if my words are coming out sounding intelligent. I speak and I feel heard, I listen and I enjoy it. That connection feels really valuable. To find verbal connections with people on that level with that ease is a gift. A gift I am taking full stock of and bending my head with appreciation for tonight.

Things I Learned/Re-Learned From My Boston/New York Trip

Less internet is more.

• Meaning: I'm not thinking about virtual, often inane issues, opinions, and likes during my day, and suddenly I'm living my life in whatever Ellie-way is most fulfilling. 

Giving is always good.

• Meaning: even if I'm not sure if the homeless person I am giving the money to is going to use it to help themselves, it's still a good thing to give the money if it is coming from place of unconditional love.

Stay active during the day, sleep during the night.

• Meaning: my body functions best when it rises with the light, and shuts down with the night. Fighting real and natural sleep by watching a screen projecting a fake reality is ridiculous. Sitting around during the day and avoiding the world and the people in it is not fulfilling; being with and around people is sometimes so, so hard, but ultimately relationship with a real human - even bad relationship - is more fulfilling than relationship with a screen.

Defining myself really isn't as important as I make it out to be.

• Meaning: I don't need to know what I think about everything. I don't need to know "who I am". Go back to the stay active and in relationship with people and place and it'll all be okay.

Decide to be brave.

• Meaning: facing my fears and daily anxieties is legitimately scary as hell, but how else to move forward?

Lastly - do things I love.

• Meaning: no one knows the joys and sorrows of my heart the way I do. Seek what makes me come alive.

"The gentleman and his wife have been reunited"

We had a missing person today for about two minutes. An elderly man, 76 yrs old, wearing a blue shirt. His wife said he went down the trail to go on a boat tour and hadn't come back up yet.

One of the rangers replied back saying that he had been on her boat tour and he was walking up with her just then.

Once they reached the top the ranger radioed in, "The gentleman and his wife have been reunited".

And I thought that was a very nice thing.