The halfway line

At the halfway line for my internship. Which means that I still have another 3 months (ish) to go before I complete it. After that, it's the board certification exam. And then I have absolutely no fucking idea.

What has happened to me over the years? Where has my happiness gone? My optimism? My childlike curiosity?

It feels like the combination of growing up, mixed with money, mixed with life, mixed with I don't know what just what has made me into a freaking cynical bastard.

I don't want to be that. I want to enjoy the world around me. I want to be in awe of beautiful things. I want to laugh and smile and giggle and have such a ball that my stomach aches from the laughter and the smiling and the giggling and the ball of it all.

I say "I want" a lot these days. More than I think I did when I was a kid. Which is ironic considering I need less than I did as a kid. I required more from the world as a kid. Now I ask for more, even though I'm actually quite equipped to just, I dunno. Make life for myself. Live on my own. Do stuff.

Within the last year it seems that I have felt this funneling, this requirement to go one direction, to make life happen in a certain way. And it scares me. Scares the shit out of me. Because what happens if it goes the wrong way? What happens if after all the funneling I get out on the other side of the tunnel that leads one way and find out I took the wrong tunnel?

IS there a wrong tunnel?

Is that just a stupid idea -- that we're "supposed" to do something in particular; make some sort of impact, be some sort of special, contribute some sort of gift?

I dunno man. It's a freaking lot of pressure.

I'm gonna go for a walk.