The very moment I start to think, "Oh, I'm definitely on the pathway to righteousness" God shows me exactly where I really am: the bottom of the totem pole; the dirt beneath the cow pie; the sand in someone's eye.
Pride. It is a favorite rant of mine--a rant I usually go off on in my own head--to complain about people's insanely big egos and prideful nature.
It's also a favorite game of God's to take something I dislike and open my eyes to see that that very thing is thriving inside my being.
I am prideful.
The other night, Hannah talked to me and mentioned something about someone saying that I was prideful in my own way. Of course, as you can imagine, I was stung by such a comment. Strangely enough, (not very surprising, though) I couldn't get the thought of me being prideful out of my mind. Today, I opened the bible study I'm doing and flipped through the pages. One prayer I wrote out a while ago confirmed exactly what I didn't want to know, much less acknowledge; I had written, "I think I'm prideful." No details, no adjectives, no run-on sentence (for the first time in my life). Nothing. I had stated it clearly, not thinking at the time that it would become the one thing I absolutely could not stop thinking about.
This morning, searching, grappling for an excuse, any way I could prove myself wrong--that I was not prideful--I read these verses:
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." --Matthew 7: 3-5
Then, when the feeling of hopeless and utter shame dawned, it's weight complete in fullness, and I was on my knees, I was reminded of this:
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." --1 John 5: 13-14
The pride I have harbored inside of me for so long, must go. All of it. And I must give it all to God; trusting that He will take all the judgment from my heart. But not only that; with this realization, comes the acknowledgment that there are a lot of people out there who have been hurt by my pride and insensitivity; and so I owe to all those I have ever judged, or called prideful, this:
I am so sorry. My words, I know, were insensitive and hypocritical and they shouldn't have even been thought, much less said. Please forgive me...
If you can find it in your heart to pray for me I cannot tell you how grateful I would be.
Thank you all, for being there, and for being so kind--when I deserved no less than a slap on the face.
Most humbly, I remain,
Ellie
7 comments:
hhhhmmmmm pride, what an awful[ly pertinant] topic to write about. The single most frusterating and sneaky sin I can think of. Thank you though for writing this, its oddly encouraging to see someone else openly write about and appologizing for it, something we all should do.
Pride exposed is not pride removed. Introspection - even the kind that identifies pride - is not nearly as productive as actively humbling yourself in front of the people closest to you.
The best strategy for eliminating pride is actively loving the people you passively love (like family). Good post, El. What a great reminder to look ahead.
The problem is I couldn't slap you in the face because you were like 300 miles away. But your texts pissed me off.
Muh ha ha. I was joking.
But, I do want to know: what is it you are you proud about?
Be specific.
It's ok to be proud of yourself, Ellie! In many ways, you do things for others, so being prideful is not always a vain, self-conscious, all-consuming way to be. You're probably proud of the way you write, or how well you dance. Other people appreciate how well you write and dance, too!
Pornographic web site brought up when the blue colored dotted line is clicked on in the comment with the chinese writing.
Back down... don't beat yourself up with getting too self critical.
We really are powerful beings.
Sometimes people are a bit jealous?
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