I Fear

You know when you get that feeling? The rumbling inside your soul; the ache in your heart? The knowledge that something... something's just not right. I have that. It's holding my eyelids from dropping off into slumber. It's keeping peace at a distance.

Why do people choose to do bad things? Why must they? How can such a good girl get involved with such a jerk of a guy? WHY?! Why would she? Doesn't she know she deserves better then him? How could she not see that he is sucking the very life out of her? I know she can feel it. Why can't she get out? Move on. Leave. I'm so afraid he's going to hurt her. But maybe she is too. Maybe that's why she can't leave. She's stuck. He won't let her go. At one time she felt loved. Now, she's trapped. Trapped in a net he's thrown before her. HOW COULD HE?!! What possessed him to do that?! Is it possible someone could be so... so heartless?

It makes me sick to think of girls thinking they are going to find love in a relationship, and then getting stuck, abused, sucked dry of all that they were. Told they are worth nothing without that guy. That guy defines her. Disgusting. It makes me want to punch a wall. Throw water over her face- wake her up! Beat the tar out of him.

What gives him the right? Nothing. HE HAS NO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you hurt her... I swear! I will do something about it. You do not own her. She is not yours to hurt. Don't treat her like this... Oh please don't....

Please....

Leave her be.

Let her be.

We're Living It

I've completed my last day of school. Turned everything in. Got checked off. Can't believe it. It feels like I'll just have to go back after a nice two day weekend. Funny.

What a year this has been. I've learned so much about myself. I didn't realize that until just now. I'll say, the beginning of this year was absolute hell for me. I hated it. Everything about it. School. My lack of a relationship with God. The time I no longer had. Wasted words on people who wouldn't listen. But it got better. As time went on, I started to see people in a different light. I opened up. I committed to friendships. I learned to enjoy my life at school.

Knowing what I know now, I've come to understand that life isn't bearable, or worth living, for that matter, if you don't have friends around you. Sharing it with you. All of it. The ups. The downs. The sideways and upside down. Someone to keep you on board. To make sure you don't fall off the side.

There were a few things that took me all year to figure out... To be a good person you don't have to be a people pleaser. To be liked, you don't have to be in the spotlight. To love others, you must take into account that they are human, and therefore, not perfect.

This summer will be good.

I'm Almost To the End

Only nine days left until school gets over... I think I'm going to be happy when it's done. But I'm still not sure how my summer is going to look. I think sometime during the summer I'm going up to Portland for a couple of weeks to stay with my siblings. Then I'll go to Fir Point Bible camp, but I'm not sure if I'll cabin lead during one week, or not. Hm... Then there's working. I think I probably should, but what would I do and how often would I want to work, and could I work if I had a sporadic schedule like that? I dunno. I feel like this'll be one of the last summers I can just sit back, relax and not have to work. Although, it's really nice to have money, and I'm getting low on that.

I still need to take my SAT's. Ugh. I really really really really don't want to though. It sounds absolutely miserable. 5 hours... Sheesh....

I should get ready to leave. 9 days. Just nine. Whoop!