Relationship Mumbo-Jumbo

Maybe this is a ridiculous thing for me to do, considering my lack of experience in this area, but I feel like talking about relationships. Of the romantic persuasion.

You see, I don't think the reason I'm not in a relationship is because I don't want to be. Maybe way deep down I'm missing something, but when I look at my desires one of them IS a committed relationship...so once I recall that I do in fact want one I start wondering why I don't have one. And that's where it gets complicated and I don't know what to say because I DON'T KNOW. I don't bloody know, people.

My fall back response to that why-don't-you-have-one question is: "Well...I just haven't found the one, ya know." And maybe that's true. Maybe that is true. Probably.

And then my response to that response is, "That's a cover up, Scaredy Cat." And maybe that's true too.

From there comes a slew of thoughts which I try not to linger on.

"I'm waiting for the perfect Guy"
"Sure. But what sort of expectations do you have? Have you got a list you're trying to check off?"
"Well...yes. But that's a good thing!"
"In some ways, but people are human, Ellie. There won't be a guy with all of your ideal traits checked off."
"There could be. If he's the perfect one for me."
"No, Ellie, the perfect one for you is not a perfect guy, he's just the perfect guy for you."
"Well that's what I meant."
"Is it?"
"... Maybe not, but I'm not going to settle."
"Again with the expectations. How about you just stop evaluating everyone and start focusing on yourself."
"I am! But if I do that then I'm just going to miss out on my chance."
"Your chance? Ellie, YOU WILL MEET THE PERFECT GUY WHEN GOD SENDS HIM TO YOU. It's not up to chance - it's up to God. Stop living your life like your one opportunity is going to pass you by. Plus, no guy likes a desperate girl."
"Some guys do."
"Oh. And those are the type of guys you're looking for?"
"No."
"Then stop being desperate. Desperation always attracts the wrong sorts of attention."
"Guh. Dammityou'reright. So I just need to focus on my own stuff."
"Yeah, and we need to focus on bettering ourselves just because that is the best thing to do; what Christ would have you do. Not because of some boy out there."
"Okay. Yeah. be better because that means I can help people...better."
"Yes."
"Okay."
"Cool. Good talk."
"Yeah."
"Are we done here?"
"Not even close.....but what about that guy?"
"Are you serious?!?"

I'm just going to make a broad and sweeping statement and say that none of us (not even those in committed, loving, flourishing, kick-ass relationships) know how relationships are supposed to work. And that is why Christ gave us the beautiful example of the church. 'cause he looked at us and said, "Oh snap. They have no idea what they are doing." And let's be honest, things have gotten better since then. I mean, like, Solomon, dude, 700 concubines, really? Not cool, man. Not cool.

I'm going to end this about where I started it - confused. But maybe a little less anxious than before. God has things in control. He's not going to short-change me by tossing "the one" out there and reeling him in before I bite (lil fishing metaphor for your reading pleasure). If I've got my better interests in mind, He's got my best interests in mind. Thank goodness.

Bloggers

I'm starting to think the only people who actually blog are young moms. Young moms and extremely bitter liberal single men in their 50s. And guys in their 30's writing blogs about techy things which no one else - save the other techy guys in their 30's - will understand. Which definitely makes me the odd one out.

Oh, God, bring us the day when this darkness will end.

Texas and Boston, we are grieving with you.

I am so sorry.

It is sad; so deep, so bitter. This Boston bombing. The Texas fertilizer plant fire. The bombings in Iraq.

All of it.

All of the beautiful people who have felt the wrath and foolishness of another angry, possessed, and horribly lost soul.

Tonight I just feel it all. I can't stop crying. I just can't stop crying

Because the people out there - people just like me; normal people with jobs they get tired of, family they fight with - they are losing everything. Their best friends. Their legs. Their mom. Their dad. The very peace and sanity that comes with knowing safety.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything under the sun. A time to laugh. And a time to mourn.

Today, oh, how we mourn.

I pray for the day we can laugh together in a place un-riddled with hatred and pain.

Oh, God, please bring us the day when this darkness will end.

Please bring us the day when this darkness will end.

New Life

Found this on my computer hard drive today. Little Joel when he was even tinier than he is now. How fast the wee ones grow. .

Downstairs I can hear a door creaking. Someone has got up for a late night snack.

Just the day before yesterday Mom, Papa and I were up at Mt Ashland looking for our family friend, Carol Koon. She was lost - on the day a blizzard struck the mountain. We were all scared. Steve, her husband, was absolutely distraught. His face was sunken in; defeated; all life, all Steve, drained from him. Without Carol he wasn't Steve.

Here was was a picture of a deep and intense love. A love that was being tested and yanked on; a love that remained damn steadfast. It was the most heartbreaking yet wonderful thing I have ever seen. Carol was found mid-morning of the next day. The relief that broke over Steve's face was nearly indescribable. It was as if the spirit that had left him suddenly returned; the bags beneath his eyes were gone; the sparkle came back into his eyes; suddenly he was able to smile, stand up, look at people and communicate. If Carol would not have been found I don't know that Steve would have been able to recover from it. His heart couldn't have taken it. Love like that is absolutely terrifying and absolutely inspiring.

Spring is here. New life; I'm ready for that.

Of Accordions and Fate

Taylor Swift won another award a the Grammys this evening. Being perfectly candid, I don't actually hate T-swifty. Sure...I complain about her a lot. I mean, every single boy I know has had a legitimate crush on her, and their reasons are always, "She's so innocent", "You can tell she's a really good person", "She's humble". Okay. Fine. Yes. Taylor Swift has surely embodied the girl-next-door caricature, but puh-leaze, she's not an angel. She has faults too, I'm sure. You see a pretty, blonde, curly haired girl in pretty, breezy dresses, who sings with the voice of an angel - her mom probably could tell you a different story.

But really, I don't hold anything against Taylor Swift. Really. Seriously. I do wish, however, that once a person has gotten a Grammy, the Grammy awarders (whomever decides these things - is it the people, or how does that work?) should consider other bands/artists out there. She's got talent; yes. But there are a sack-a-ton of artists who have better lyrics, just as well written melodies, and lots and lots and lots less fame. Taylor has had her time. Let's move on and let her continue writing broken-heart love songs for her substantial fan crowd. Someone else needs some love.

On another note, my sister, Carrie, introduced me to my newest favorite blogger: Rocket Shoes
He has reviewed every episode of this seasons The Bachelor, and I have cried with tears of laughter over several of them. The shame I feel from watching that wretched show is somehow both enhanced and lessoned after reading his posts. If you watch the show, it's worth your time to at least check out the  last post.

This evening I acquired an accordion from my grandparent's. It was sitting on the top book case shelf, gathering dust and inspiration. After taking it down and pumping out some eerie sounding chords, I decided that it'd be an instrument worth working on; unique, and excellent at drowning out ones own thoughts. So Grandma rummaged in the back room and produced a couple of brittle practice books and tomorrow it will commence.

It has taken some time - lots of thought, hours of questioning, a cry or two - and I have brought myself around to forgiveness. Or rather, I have attempted to lesson the bitterness in my heart regarding a friend of mine. Lately I have had a hard time with this decision that I once made regarding this friend. But when I look back on old journal entries and prayers, and when I talk to my best friend, I remember that things happen for reasons. We make decisions, for better or for worse, and we move on in our lives according to those decisions. And sometimes we get a glimpse of the other side - the path we almost took; the way we could have went - and we get anxious. At least I do. I start worrying that I made the wrong choice, perhaps my heart and my head were mixing things up, maybe what I thought was right in my head, my heart was saying was wrong, and my head makes decisions faster than my heart, so I followed it and it took me down a path that, later, my heart protested was still wrong. And my conscience is just the go between; middle man, trying to make peace within the body. And then I remember that often the way to make a decision when you don't know what is totally right, is to pray, seek advice from those around you, and follow your gut/heart. Sounds simple in theory, but it feels like your innerds are being torn up when it comes down to executing.

So I made the decision; I chose a path. I stuck to it. In a way, I made decision about how my life was going to go. Like the Katie Melua song goes, "Sometimes I believe in fate, but the chances we create always seem to ring more true", often it really does come to down to us and our decisions. We decide a little bit how our lives will turn out. We choose people to hang out with. We choose college, or no college. We choose laziness, or hard work.  Fate (or providence) does come into play, I believe, but we have more than just a hand in the process. We create chances.

The Eye-Booger people

7am this morning I stare at myself in the mirror. Tired eyes. Mussed hair. Slightly Frankensteinesque expression. What is on my face? Aoohh, mascara. Wow that looks bad. Good thing I caught that before anybody saw me.

Have you ever noticed that there's two techniques people generally use to say something about a flaw in your physical appearance? There's the gal who will reach out and take that hideous eye-booger out for you, and then there's the gal who says "you have something in your eye" and stares with flared nostrils right at the booger until you remove it. Or how about the guy who congenially corrects you by sneaking in the correct answer/word vs. the guy who loudly exposes your mistake to everyone and their mother?

Grandmotherly vs. Stupid head meany butt-face

or

Considerate vs. Rude

My all-time favorite situation is when my pants zipper is unzipped and the person I'm talking with (inevitably either someone I wish to impress or someone who finds great joy in making our interactions feel like taser training) glances down to my crotch zipper as I'm walking up to him/her; face, crotch, face, crotch. Face.... crotch-face.

"Uhh.... Do you know that your barn door is wide open?"

"What?" My barn door?

"Your barn door. Since lunch your zipper has been down."

*Glance at crotch. DANG it! Awkward dig for zipper.... Continues... I got it. Wait, shoot! no I don't. Come on you stupid, stupid thing. I hate you, I HATE YOU, come ON! Zzzzziiip. My WORD, finally!*

"Thanks! Whew, good thing you caught that!"

 "Yeah, it has been like that since lunch."

Why didn't you tell me that, you poop head?!

"Well thanks for letting me know!"

"Yeah, no problem. Any time."

Yeah, I'm sure...

Those moments age people. They are so crisp - so ripe with fear of ridicule - that you can practically taste the acidity of your pain.

And that is why I like the eye-booger-plucking people. Because they are quick, painless, and efficient. They see the problem, understand the social embarrassment potential, and do what they must to remedy the issue with minimal amounts of drama. None of that snide comment stuff.

Back at the mirror I finish my thoughts, scratch behind me ear, hitch up my Ranger pants and swear to myself that if it's the last thing I do I will be an eye-booger person.

Good Monday to you, my friends.